Tossed Salads: Then and Now

My lunch today is a salad made up of the following:
Spinach
feta Cheese
Chick peas
Chick en
Cucumbers
Carrot Shreds
Sunflower Seeds
Ranch Dressing
Cheddar/Monterey Jack Cheese Medley

When I was younger, this was my salad
Cottage Cheese
Chick Peas
Cheddar Cheese
Blue Cheese Dressing
Bacon Bits
Crispy Chinese Noodles

Salad Bar Tid Bits
Sneeze guards make me suspicious especially when the edge allows the sneeze juice to drain directly into the vegetables and accoutrements.

When faced with a salad bar topping missing thongs or a spoon, I tend to panic. In such situations, I use a similar philosophy at the salad bar as I would with my butt crack. Who wants their vegetables tainted with the thongs of another? Not me, so I try to find a suitable substitution for that item. For example, if there is no thong in the broccoli, I will take the thongs from the cauliflower. There are no substitutes for chick peas or sunflower seeds, so in these cases I will subtly use a near by serving utensil after ensuring that nobody is watching.

Once I was completely grossed out by an old lady who was attempting to decipher the salad dressings. I assume it was a question of Ranch or Blue Cheese cause let's face it, if you can't see the chunks, how would you know? The bitty in question took the ladle and held it up to her nose not one centimeter from the nostril and inhaled. In order to inhale, she probably would have had to have exhaled as the ladle approached unless she was a puppet and her fairy godmother had just that instant turned her into a real girl which I seriously doubt unless her fairy godmother was really mean and wanted her to be ugly which I suppose WOULD be an amusing anecdote to tell the other fairy god mothers at their weekly get together...so I thought about all of the stuff that fell out of her nose as the ladle approached cause let's face it, if you can't see the chunks, how would you know?

Here's a great book I'm reading that has nothing to do with salad bars, but if you want to laugh while you're feeling really sad this book will get the job done.

Scuba Booty

My magical fruit

Why my TV shows will never be made:

The Pitch:
Tranny 911 centers around a group of trannies who go into households to fix out of control children. Each episode will begin at Tranny Central where after viewing a tape of the little munchkins, one tranny will be dispatched to observe and correct the situation. Each episode will unfold just as Nanny 911 would over a seven day period with the family completely oblivious that Nanny Deb is actually Tranny Deb. After the problem is resolved, the tranny nanny sits the family down to say her farewells and as she walks towards the door, she turns around, lifts her maroon dress and shows the children her penis and leaves the house forever.

Slew of Overdues

With the overdue arrival of Esthero's second full length album, Wikked Lil’ Grrrls (June 28, 2005) - her first since 1998's Breath from Another and the Gorillaz followup Demon Days (currently featured on MTV.com the Leak) I began to think about other groups and performers that have left me with musical blueballs.

1) Res - Res' recipe for successipe was an alternative R & B / pop / rock / reggae fusion that may have put her on the fringes with many listeners, but placed her squarely into my heart and heavy rotation (special thanks to Best Buy's creative display and the subtle "Res pronounced Reese" that floated in the back of the cover art that was so dorky I had to give it a chance. V and I used to call her "Res pronounced Reese" because we loved her and the whole phonetics thing seemed completely ridiculous). Last Release: "How I Do" released in 2001.

2) The Breeders - Kim and Kelly Deal! Having gone to the University of Dayton and having met both Kelley Deal one night at the "gay Denny's" and Kim Deal while playing bass for The Frogs, I'm naturally drawn to The Breeders. When they came out in 2002 with Title TK, I was completely blown away and found their analog sound to be brilliant and their nonsensical lyrics to be exactly what I needed to get me through what would be my last summer in Baltimore.

3) I had Royksopp here, but found that they in fact do have a new album coming out this summer so see the "on the horizon" section

4) The Sleepy Jackson - Okay, so the album Lovers only came out 2 years ago, but this Australian band blew me away upon first listen and I'm anxious for more.

5) Scissor Sisters - Okay, so they just put an album out, but who can ever say they've had enough Scissor Sisters? The news on their website indicates that they're starting to play new songs at appearances so a new album will be out in due time...

Here are the albums on the horizon that I can't wait to roll around in like urine soaked sheets:
1) Goldfrapp Ooh La La - This band never disappoints. Apparently their newest album is supposed to take them mainstream, but I'm selfishly hoping it doesn't.
2) Bob Mould Body of Song - Evidence - Exhibit A - As a regular cave cricket in the 9:30 club's basement I will testify that Bob Mould is hot right now. (also backed up by the fact that there's no doubt in my mind that no other event inside or outside of the district will measure up to Blowoff. Exhibit B - Mould's remix of Interpol's "Length of Love" is probably the best remix I've ever heard. period. Conclusion: If Bob Mould's current influences and tastes reflect anything of what is to come on his new album, I predict sticky underpants.
3) Royksopp The Understanding (listed on Amazon as This Understanding) - July 12th in US stores. Sample their new song "Only This Moment" here.
4/5) Esthero Wikked Lil’ Grrrls and The Gorillaz Demon Days

If music were emotions, this is how I'd be feeling:
"Hold Tight London" - The Chemical Brothers
"Waiting for the Siren's Call" - New Order
"Length of Love" (Fog vs. Mould) - Interpol
"Housework" - The B-52's
"B.M.F.A." - Martha Wainwright
"There Is a Light That Never Goes Out" -The Smiths
"Saturdays" - Cut Copy
"(You Can Blame It on) Anybody" - Phoenix
"California One Youth and Beauty Brigade" - The Decemberists
"Cinnamon Park" - Jill Sobule
"Your Favorite Thing" - Sugar
"A Forest" - Nouvelle Vague
"Girl" - Beck
"Tropical Iceland" -The Fiery Furnaces
"Glass Conversation" - The Ponys
"Speak Slow" - Tegan and Sara
"Know How" - Kings of Convenience
"22 - Death of All the Romance" -The Dears
"Popcorn (Diplo Remix)" - Diplo and Walter Wanderly
"Killing in the Name of" - Rage Against the Machine

Rhythm is a Cancer

Dear Kylie,

Get well soon. I believe in you!

-Schitzo

Everyone should doodle...

Rockin' on 9th

About my concert going life: Lucksmiths' passed their prime and had too many opening bands
At dc9 last night. No need for 3 opening acts fellows. it seems a bit Greedy to me. Oh well, i'm glad i left when i did because apparently they only played Recent material from their newest
Disc, leaving the die hard fans with musical blue balls. Or maybe it's a little too much to ask.
Nah...
Certainly after the decemberist's show At the 9:30 club last week, my expectations for a good show were Needlessly high. Shows i haven't learned much since leaving the Uterus. (uter-us or uter-you?) most Certainly i am indebted to john for Kindly grabbing me an extra ticket to the show. Most pleastant surprise. You see, when going to a show where i Don't really care about the band, I have a tendancy to enjoy the music better (not having to push my way to the front)
Creating a much more relaxed concert going experience.

...K?...and now i like the decemberists much better and the lucksmiths much less.

i wanted to make the message much more obvious, but it's not hard to figure out.

Mafia Scare

The Italian ballet mafia is after my boyfriend and I just have to hope that the vest made for him out of a pizza box and tin foil will fool them into thinking that he's invincible. You see, there have been a lot of well dressed men walking around our building, smoking imported cigarettes, and clucking like roosters in their mother tongue. Based on what I know about the(ballet mafia)m, I think it will pass for a bullet proof vest. I used a Sharpee to write bullet proof in big capital letters across the front and since Sharpie markers are permanent, they won't be able to erase it. Also, their heads are so far up their asses that I'm sure they won't see past their reflection in the foil.

The next phase of my defense: I'm using a collander, pipe cleaners and some refrigerator magnets to create a mind reading and brain wave disrupting helmet that will have those pirouetting monsters sucking on their thumbs screaming for their mommies. It works by forcing them to obsess over how they might be able to get one for themselves until it consumes their every thought...as a result, the individual wearing the hat knows what the mobster is thinking cause the mobster's disrupted thoughts can only be on the high tech hat.

Avoid Swearing at Work Day

Here are things I like to say instead of swear words:

Sugar Honey Iced Tea
Donkey Boogers
Jerkey Turkey
Poppycock
I'll be a Monkey's Uncle!
Fudge-arhea
Shiver me Timbers!
Shasta
Luscious
Honore de Balzac
Cornwad

Rat in a Cage

I am a ball of rage. I realized this last night when confronted with the akward exit from Clara Barton Parkway to MacArthur Blvd (upper left corner). At this point in my commute traffic crawls towards the exit in one lane while the other lane remains open. Assholes or those oblivious to the traffic pattern zoom past and cut in front of everyone at the last minute. Commuters have found a way around this by working in pairs where one car stays in the left lane blocking traffic while the other car prevents the asshole from merging over. The girl in the purple volvo refused to admit defeat and in the end won out, but only because she was going to crash into my car. I tailgated and swore and honked and flipped off and did everything I could before I started to feel a little bit retarded. The whole thing could have been avoided if I had just let her in front of me. I hate driving.

Anyway, I've sworn off that route and if I ever do take it again, I'm going to be the asshole.