Schitzophonic

Friday, February 25, 2005

Bird Flu Pandemic Rubs Cocks the Wrong Way

NPR had a story that I recounted to coworkers today about the Thai bird flu that had these coworkers rolling with laughter. I didn't understand why...

It turns out that cock fighting is quite popular in Thailand, and this being the year of the rooster, one might think that people have a renewed interest in the inhumane sport. Well, Su Chin, a reknowned cock trainer is not happy. It seems that Thailand, to prevent the spread of the virus from cock to cock is putting constraints that prevent Su Chin from taking his cock from town to town to butt heads with other cocks.

...but now I do...

Thursday, February 24, 2005

My headphones

Isn't part of music, the fact that it helps you to see things differently sometimes? Don't you sometimes listen to songs differently depending on what's in front of you? Why is Radiohead the perfect accompaniment to a long wait in an airport - much better than the anxious mother telling her young children about all of the plane crashes that have occurred for the last six years? So, if my ear pods are encased in months of wax, there's a reason for it.

Sit Down, Stand Up. Tune In, Tune Out.

Here is how I choose to limit my life and "Tune Out":
I choose not to watch Lost.
I choose not to watch FOX news.
I choose to flip my rear view mirror down to avoid a view of the jerk driving behind me.
I choose to listen to my iPod when I walk because everyone is doing it.
When in public, I don't force my cigar smoke into people's lungs like I force my opinions into people's ears. This is because I don't smoke.

Am I retreating into my head, or trying to cope and make sense of things around me? If you think I am hiding, then you have mistaken my headphones for your ear plugs. I choose my headphones.

Jay McCarroll, winner of Project Runway had a phenomenal line inspired by the concept that the music people choose to listen to helps define who they are which is reflected in how they dress. Each item was accented with a pair of headphones. So, the dresses were to inspire the viewer to deduce the music from the clothes, leaving us connected to the models. Brilliant.

So, to bring this back around, when I see the thin white strands discretely running down a person's cheek, I'll think about the sounds being transmitted into his head. I'll think about how much those sounds mean to him at that very instant - how a little music walking up Connecticut Avenue makes the trip to work not such a struggle. I'll smile and nod with a twinkle knowing that both of us, in our own way, are experiencing life.

I just re-edited this entry cause I thought it was kind of dumb. I still think it is kind of dumb but improved.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Arresting Development

This really pisses me off. If this show goes off the air, there is no hope for television. It makes absolutely no sense to me that Arrested Development should come to an untimely end. My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss I can accept, but this...I cannot. Arrested Development is simply roll on the floor pee pee pants funny.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

When life gives you lemons, squeeze it in your wounds!

Here's the interview Vanessa did that got all of the Project Runway contestants designer panties in a bundle. I love this show.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Terror Alert Level: Velvet Raspberry

In a press release today, Donald Rumsfeld threatened the United States that terrorist groups are in the process of regrouping for another strike.

From MSNBC:

“The extremists continue to plot to attack again. They are at this moment recalibrating and reorganizing. And so are we,” Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told the House Armed Services Committee."

Well, duh, Donny!

Monday, February 14, 2005

I Did It!

Or at least I thought I did...

Given today's theme of love and romance, I decided to indulge in my deepest most secret desire to kiss the grits.

Unfortunately, I found out that I was mistaken. I actually kissed the Cream of Wheat. I MAY do it again...with mix ins.

Cream of Wheat, Be Mine!

Update: Lunatic's Guide to Parking

I feel very satisfied. For the first time I wrote to the DC City Council members who voted against Carol Schwartz's stupid parking fine exemption bill to thank them for their integrity. The Washington Times recently published a follow up article about parking and camera fines in the district. I was happy to see that three council members (Brazil, Chavous, Allen) who voted for the exemption are now gone. There are several new initiatives on the table to generate revenue for the city and screw the residents at the same time. My favorite is leasing out parking spaces to commercial car rental companies (my guess is Zip Car). 29 of these spaces are near my neighborhood. And now, I will shut up about parking in D.C.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Trading Spouses: A Guide to World Politics

The last two episodes of Fox's Trading Spouses dealt with the swap of the overbearing selfish mother Janet from upstate New York with the perfect mom (and human being) Marybeth of a Sammamish, Washington farm. The episodes centered around the inability of Marybeth to break into the Farrell family that dealt with their lives by not dealing with their lives and Janet who consistently made an ass of herself while giving herself a pat on the back.

Meanwhile, in Korea, nuclear scientists developed nuclear weapons. I'll get back to that later.

Marybeth struggled with all her might to reach out to the Farrell family to no avail. She tried taking them roller skating at the family fun center. She chatted them up at dinner to find herself in a dead end conversation. She even got involved in the yard work only to be told to sit back and relax. Her ticket in ended up being misunderstood Brian Farrell whose life revolved around scarification, tattoos, piercings, and art. By the end of the episode, Marybeth approached Brian to compliment him on his tattoos and scars and piercings. She went on to praise his skills as an artist and encouraged him to pursue a career in tattoo art and even gave him the money to do it. Brian's reacted surprised, but also felt comforted and validated for the first time in his life. Boy was Janet upset.

The United States is Janet. When rebellious North Korea approached the press to tell the world that they have nuclear weapons and are withdrawing from further talks, Codoleeza reminded them that the rest of the free world is more than capable of defending itself against their nukes. This is after the United States firmly told North Korea to stop their nuclear pursuits. Of course if you order someone not to do something, it becomes that much more desirable - and they're going to do it! Just look at how many tattoos, piercings and scars Brian has! Step aside Condi and let Marybeth take charge of the negotiations:

"Wow! North Korea, that's really neat! When it comes to nuclear arms, you've got some real talent. Oh my gosh! Is that enriched uranium? That's really neat! Wow! It's so pure!"

Marybeth would then report back to the United Nations and inform them:

"I really feel that North Korea is at a tipping point where it could certainly head into dangerous waters. North Korea has real talent in building up a nuclear armament and I think you need to recognize and appreciate that."

Finally, when faced with the decision on how to spend North Korea's money, she would probably write:

"...and I've decided to award $10,000 to North Korea to study at nuclear physics at Strayer University. The rest of the money should be spent on a vacation for North Korea to Hawaii..."

Think about how much more North Korea would feel like a member of the global community. Furthermore, It will be far less satisfying it will be for North Korea to develop nuclear weaons if it knows that it has the world's approval. Marybeth, you rock!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

A Lunatic's guide to Parking in DC

On June 11, 2004 Jason and I were able to attend the Washington, DC Chamber of Commerce dinner where such people as John Lawrence and Tyron Garner were honored for their man love turned civil rights battle victory. During the awards ceremony, Mayor Anthony Williams welcomed the out-of-towners by stating that they should get "lots of parking tickets" because it "pays his salary." I find this comment to be very telling.

My extreme dislike of meter maids began a couple of years ago when I lived in Glover park. Once when leaving extremely early to avoid a $100 rush hour ticket, I found the guy at 6:50 had already begun ticketing for a zone marked for 7:00. My friend Ivan argued when I complained to him that people who didn't get outside by 7:00 deserve their tickets and by 6:50 they probably wouldn't make it. Fortunately for me, he hadn't gotten to my car yet. A second time, I was not so lucky. Another example of the city's extreme ticketing policy comes from my trip to Key West where I parked in a location that was not marked "No Parking" and where I always see cars parked. Unfortunately for me, this spot was within 20 feet of a Stop sign. During this week I received three tickets. The confusing aspect of these tickets for me is that there are several examples of legal parking spots clearly marked that are within 20 feet of a stop sign. My breaking point occurred last Monday when I parked close to a fire hydrant. I was far enough away where I thought I would be okay, and a sign in front of my car declared the spot legal. I returned to my car the next morning to find it ticketed stating I was within 10 feet of the hydrant. I counted off the ten feet and noted the sign outside of the region of my car and took a picture to battle it by mail.

All of this leads me to believe that the city has created a policy of ticket now, and if the citizens care let them battle it later. What pisses me off is that my car was marked to be towed two of these times even though the tickets weren't legitimate. The Washington Times reported in an article on April 8. 2004 (I think that's the right date...)about the city's then new vigorous ticketing program. I had no idea that it was the City Council and not Mayor Williams who would take the tackiest of steps to undermine the city's need for revenue.

In June 2002, council members voted to exempt themselves from most parking regulations. The measure, coming after a year in which traffic-enforcement officers had cracked down on illegally parked council members' cars, was sponsored by council member Carol Schwartz and supported by fellow members Kevin P. Chavous, Jack Evans, Sandra Allen, Adrian M. Fenty, David A. Catania, Jim Graham, Harold Brazil, Vincent Orange and Linda W. Cropp. Council members Phil Mendelson, Kathy Patterson and Sharon Ambrose voted against it.

How is it possible to understand the laws created when you exempt yourself from such rules? Is this the same Carol Schwartz, who solicited my vote at a gay wedding (during the toast no less) and who I later witnessed dumpster diving outside of the 7-11? I thank you for not wanting to take up my parking spot, but I'd rather you get the boot.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Yoki's Message

When I awoke Saturday morning, I was surprised to find shreds of gold rubber scattered about the floor at the foot of my bed. The pieces formed a bit of a trail, much like the one left by Hansel and Gretle in the deep, dark forest; however, this pathway ended at a semi-ciruclar golden arc that was once the bracelet that beckoned "One bracelet to cure them all!" All that remained of my LIVESTRONG bracelet couldn't even form a tag on a chicken foot.

So, I gathered up the pieces, collecting them in the palms of my hands, like pebbles on a beach and sprinkled them into the garbage. Yoki, whose hatred for fundraising gimicks is only surpassed by her dislike of fads, gave me a knowing glance and a wink. "What have you done, my pet?" The words creaked from my mouth as I clicked on her leash. Yoki knew the way, and she led - across the carpet, a 15° turn onto ceramic tiles, down 4 flights of stairs and out into the uncommonly mild February weather.

We walked the block. Yoki tried to explain the history of the neighborhood (who went where and what they had eaten) but the words wouldn't quite come. She pointed out trees, rosebushes, patches of grass and a stop sign, but her general message reduced the impact of her determined passion. I urged her to finish up her business but her silent histories took presidence. With one glance I knew that she couldn't keep this up for long. The dark crease under her tail opened and closed, leaking scented oils. This urgent message would be delivered in due time. Yoki has a pretty good poker face, but her ass betrays her.

Finally, it happened, and like every other time, I bent forward to pick it up for the garbage, except this time something caught my eye. A glimmer of gold amongst the olive loaf caught my attention and as I inspected closer, a message as clear as day appeared, branded into yesterday's meal in golden splendor. "LIVE" and I thought to myself : "Yes. Live."




Friday, February 04, 2005

Why I love my LIVESTRONG bracelet

I got a LIVESTRONG bracelet today. It was given to me by a girl at my office who must be one of the sweetest people on earth. What I love about this bracelet is that I didn't pay a single cent for it. In other words, I wear this band of yellow synthetic polymer as nothing more than a fashion statement. I have, by accepting this bracelet, defeated the whole purpose of the bracelet. People may think that I gave the dollar and support the cause, but they would only be half right. I will instead take the dollar and use it to buy something for myself - perhaps a cigarette. I don't smoke, but at least I know my dollar will go towards a good cause.

When I ventured into the red state of IOWA over Christmas, I noticed that there were a lot of knock off bracelets around. There was the gold bracelet that said IOWA that sold for $5. There was the LIVELONG pink bracelet that also sold for $5 and many others of varying colors and messages. This behavior is nothing less than shameful. My thoughts are that these bracelets could be the next bear hankie code. At least then these bracelets will be doing something useful. They could bare the message LIVEHARD indicating the status which one must live to participate in such varoius activities.

What color is your bracelet? What paw do you wear it on? How else will I know who is going to eat my poo?

Thursday, February 03, 2005

VD

I Love you Cause I Have To and other lovely sentiments. Thanks, Mark.

Circle, Circle, Dot, Dot

Such is how Ed Emberley would have drawn my evening last night.

Jason and I were granted to good fortune of having been invited to a Groundhog Day Dinner Party. As we stopped at the red light at Connecticut and Columbia, a truck bearing two girls and a boy (driver) pulled up next to us. The driver indicated that he wanted to get in front of us at which point the female pulled out her baby feeders and rubbed them all around. I turned to Jason and said (as he wasn't looking at the time) - "That girl just flashed us her bodacious tits." He turned to see, but she had stopped. Jason indicated that he didn't see the show and so she did it again, this time stimulating her perky nips with her fingertips. I can tell you that if I were a groundhog, we would have had six more weeks of winter for sure. Despite my Christian disgust, we decided that her behavior should be encouraged and rewarded, so we let them go.

Back to Ed Emberley: I loved drawing his pictures and decided to google him today to see if he was still around. Obviously, someone else was just thinking about him and the mother of a seven year old had this to say about him:

"My seven-year-old daughter and I love sitting..."

link

So do I. I would love one of the clocks so I would have something to look at while I sit. Feel free to share your Ed Emberley or flasher memories

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Does believing in fate constitute having religious beliefs?