Dear UPS,

In answer to your recent question, "What can brown do for you?" I thought I would give you a few examples of what brown did to me:

Hepatitis A
Roundworm
Chagas Disease
Donald Rumsfeld

Additionally, I think your new campaign is pretty nasty outside of the fetish community. May I suggest changing your strategy to: "Brown. So much better than yellow."?

Sincerely,
Schtzo